Ode to Chris

He’s the only person in the world who’ love I never have to question, because it’s unconditional! My love, my heart, my reason for living, for staying strong, and keep going! What life was before him, I can’t even remember! No one on Earth could ever take the place of him! He’s my pride; my joy; my everything!! He was truly sent from Heaven to make me a better person! And although I am a constant work in progress, my baby boy continues to love, and give love unconditionally! I love you always and forever Chris!!

I was not financially or emotionally ready to have Chris at 22, but I made the best of my experience. 11 years later, I cannot imagine life without him. Although I always envisioned being married before having children, it was not what happened. I have been through so much with my son, and through all the trials and tribulations, I do not know where I would be without him. He is the driving force for many of my decisions; some bad, some good, but always with good intentions. Being a mommy is a badge of honor, that I proudly sport; it is a privilege to be Chris’ mom!

Chris, at age 11, is wise beyond his years. With much of the intelligence that millennials seem to possess. I always joke that Chris was half as smart as me at birth; by the time he was 5, he had already surpassed my intelligence. I started Chris off early; reading while pregnant; reading at birth. When he was 4 months, I used to give him “tummy time.” Although by 1 ½ months, he was already holding up his own neck. Between 3-4 months, I started training him to hold a sippy cup. I would fill the sippy cup with water, or diluted apple juice; sometimes formula. He would eat his Gerber Apple Puffs, or gnaw on Cheerios (at 4 months, he already had teeth). At around 6 months, I started using flash cards, although I wasn’t consistent with them until around a year. Fast forward to 3, I began grooming Chris to write, and he caught on quickly. By 4, he was able to read Level 1 books, that contained the sight words form the flash cards. By the time Chris went to kindergarten, he knew how to read, write, add and subtract. My purpose was to instill a level of educational- mindedness into him; something that was never instilled into me growing up. I always knew when I had a child, I would treat him, the opposite way I felt growing up. No spankings, no yelling; giving attention and affection; enhancing the importance of an education; always advocating for an education.

Chris at 11, has surpassed anything that I could have ever imagined. He is currently in the 6th grade, but reads and comprehends at a 9th grade level. Between 3rd-5th grades, he has received the highest level (5) on all statewide exams (barring the 4 he received on the ELA in 5th grade). He answers Jeopardy questions, especially science categories. Science is his favorite subject, as well as math. He is easily on the STEM track, and his goal is to become a Design Engineer. He would like to create games for Nintendo, in Japan. Although I wish he wanted to be a Doctor or Scientist; something that would be more productive in society, I would never take away his dream; only support it. I once had dreams and goals, that were not supported, and I would never want that for my child. My most important goal in life, is to see Chris flourish in life; the way at 34, I still haven’t been able to do.

This is my ‘Ode to Chris!’ I will always support your decisions, regarding your own life. I will offer advice, only when solicited. I will not meddle in your adult affairs, only give you the option to share my own experiences. I loved you then. I love you now. I will always and forever love you!

Love,

Mom

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Selfish

Selfish is defined as a person being devoted and caring only for self. Concerned only for their own interests, benefits and welfare, regardless of others.

Why are people so selfish? Is selfishness learned behavior; are certain people born this way? How can someone you used to be so close to, turn out to be a selfish stranger? I don’t recognize this person. How can this person turn out to be, a person that inconveniences you, just because they can? Some who can inconvenience you, for their own selfish needs. Someone who cares for self, with little disregard for anyone else. Someone who does mean and spiteful things, just because they feel like it. A person you were once so close to, but is now a complete stranger. Regardless of the outcome of past relationships, I could never do things just to be spiteful to others. Once I have love for someone, that love will always remain. I don’t speak ill of them, nor do I wish any ill on them. I could never be spiteful, even if I have the “upper hand.”

Petty, vindictive, and just plain selfish are the adjectives I use to describe this person. I have made a point to not hold grudges against people, but I will not speak to this person until they decide to grow up. This person needs to do some serious soul searching. Soul searching to realize, that you don’t treat people badly, because you are in a bad mood; because the wind blows. You see someone at 60%, so you beat them down to 35%; just because you can. How do you treat someone badly, not apologize and then fix your face to ask me for something? Some people in life will only learn through tough love; through life experience. It’s unfortunate when a good relationship turns bad, but even worse when that relationships goes sour. In life, you live and you learn, and I have learned to pick my battles and keep my distance form toxic people. You cannot please everyone, and I refuse to try to. I love you, and I always will but our relationship will never be the same! The damage is done, and only time, healing growth can fix it.

 

Destiny Unfulfilled

Destiny Unfulfilled

I felt shackled; shackled to whom I thought I was supposed to be. Mother, college graduate; career/goal oriented. But I was lost! Lost in a world that was unfamiliar; a world of sorrow, past passions and dead/denied dreams. I was a shell of the person, I once was; fun-loving, outgoing and somewhat happy. My goal for the past three years, was to climb the Human Resources ladder. I majored in HR with both my Bachelor’s and Master’s. How is it possible to spend all of that money, use up all of that time, and still not know what you want? I was so sure that HR was what I was meant to do. But after all that education, and 3 years pursuing HR, I am still unhappy. I come home unfulfilled on a daily basis; feeling like I was meant to do more. But what? What is my calling? What makes me happy?

Over the past few years, on the countless dates that I have been on, there is one question that is the same; “what do you do for fun?” I am always left speechless when asked this question. I never know what to say, so my go to answer is always; “B.C. (before Chris, my son), I used to really enjoy writing. I wrote for fun; I wrote when I was happy; I wrote when I was sad; I wrote about any and everything!” This statement contains the truest words, that I have ever spoken. I used to be a writer. My goal, B.C., was to double major in Broadcast Journalism and English. Become an Anchorwoman (laughable because I absolutely withdrew from the news, after my disgust with the paparazzi and Lady Di); become a Novelist. I knew that I would one day end on the New York Time Best Seller list. I would get married, have 2 children and write novels in my spare time. But none of my life worked out the way it was planned. I dropped out of school, had a child and worked many menial jobs before eventually going back to school to become an Accountant (my Associate’). Somewhere in between 2001- present day, I have been searching for myself; searching for the person who used to have passion and goals. When I tell people, that my dream degree is an English one, they look at me crazy; crazy because I already spent so much money on my education. “Why would you want to go back to school?” After the lack of support, I just shut down, and never shared with that person. Why share information with people, who are trying to kill your dream before it even begins?!

My passion for writing began when I was a child. I used to write stories about what I saw outside, or about my dolls, or monsters in the closet. When I reached high school, I would write about anything. I even wrote an autobiography. But somewhere in between teenage angst, and real-life adult situations, my passion for writing faltered. I have written papers for school, and meaningful Facebook posts; but I have not written anything for myself in a long time. At the moment, as I type this, I am still seeking what makes me happy; what I am passionate about; hoping to get bit by that creative bug. One thing I have realized over the past couple of months, is that sitting behind a desk is not going to make me happy. It is not what I was meant to do. I am a creative, and creatives cannot sit behind a desk and be happy. I was meant to roam, and be free; not feel trapped. The reason I have become a nomad, is because I have been searching for something. Although I haven’t written anything personal in over a decade, I know that writing was the only thing that made me feel better, when I was faced with a bad situation. It is the only thing I speak about, that makes my entire face light up. What I was searching for, was inside me all along. I just needed to realize this for myself. I now know that writing is what I was meant to do; it is my destiny fulfilled.