Karma is a Psycho B*tch

Is having standards, and setting boundaries off putting to men? In the past few years, I have become the person, I am to be for the rest of my life. I feel my past has pretty much shaped me, into the person I am happy with. That being said, I seem to come off as rude or too blunt, for most people. I honestly feel as though, I should not have to sugar coat anything for a grown-ass adult. I am very open, and honest when speaking to my 12 year old son as well. People who try to spare their children from hurt, I feel, are setting them up for failure. I digress; when I meet someone, whether in-person or online, I pretty much display my personality from the beginning. I do not believe in putting up pretenses, just to go on a date with someone. If that relationship works out, you will have to keep those pretenses up until you divorce, or one of you dies; I just do not have that kind of time or energy. I have to let people know, even in friendships, how I am. Most people cannot handle me, in a relationship or a friendship. I say what I want; never meaning to be mean or insulting, but if I did not care, I would just be quiet.

A little about myself; I am very stubborn and proud, but know how to graciously humble myself. I am that one friend, that will say meet me at 1:00 PM, and be there by 12:30. I am a stickler for time; call me a time-nazi. I do not like wasting people’s time, and I do not want my time wasted. So I cyber met this guy, and we seemed to mesh well. We planned a date for Saturday, the Friday before. I told him I get off at 1; he told me he would get off by 4:30. Saturday rolls around, and I ask him around what time we were going to  meet up; “I am not sure.” Huh?? We are supposed to go out, but you don’t even have a ballpark time? Weird. I try not to make the most out of it, but I am screaming inside. Lol #timenazi. So we text each other throughout the day, and a few hours later, I asked him for a ballpark time. He calls me, and tells me he has to make a pitstop around 6:30, but would call me when he got to his destination. Okay, I can live with that; sort of. So, I hop in the shower, put on my makeup, style my hair, spend I don’t know how long searching for an outfit. I look at the time, and it is almost 8; I text him, “are we still hanging out?” He called me, and told me he had to go back to his job, but we could still hang out, or wait until tomorrow. I am in Durham, NC; everything shuts down early; there is nothing to do. He told me I sounded upset, and that he did not want me to be upset with him. I explained to him, how I felt about time, and the lack of consideration on the part of people who keep me waiting. He seemed to understand, and admitted that he was really bad with time. We spoke for a few more minutes, and he told me he would call me back in 20. 20 minutes comes and goes, and he never called back. I text him about 3 hours later, and sarcastically told him to “have a great evening!” Sunday comes in, and he doesn’t call or text either. So my question is, is setting boundaries/standards in the beginning a no-no to dating? It seems like it is. Personally, I do not feel like asking someone to be considerate of my time, should be a deal breaker. Personally, I feel that, that is something that should naturally come, when you are dealing with another human. Apparently I am abnormal for wanting people, to not have me waiting around for them. Apparently I am abnormal, because I believe in treating others as they treat me. Apparently I am abnormal, because I choose to speak on what is bothering me. I think many of these men have been disillusioned into thinking, that women are supposed to be calm and demure, with absolutely no issues; we are supposed to be without boundaries or standards, and just straight up desperate to have a man, any man. Where did this way of thinking come from? Men are really set to lose out on a good woman, because they are stuck in their own way. I can be flexible and compromising, but you have to be willing to do the same. Everything cannot be one-sided; where the women is flexible, and the man does not budge. If love is what you are truly looking for, you will not find it with that type of attitude.

I would never consider myself to be bitter, or man-hating; however, I speak in terms of MY reality. I have come across some really great men in my life, whom I have messed over. This was simply bad timing; I was not, and still really not ready for anything too serious. As I said, I have met some really great guys, but the past few years, I have met crazy after crazy. I have been told/read many times, that you attract what it is already in you; I do not believe this! I do not believe this, because when I was horrible person, and said/did mean and nasty things to people, I attracted the best men. Now that I am more in tune with myself; more positive person, I attract the worst type of men. The only thing I can think of, is karma. Karma coming back to bite me in my ass. But why karma? Why should my 34 year old self, pay for something my 26 year old self did? Why should I pay for hurting people, several years ago, right now in this moment? I do not feel as though I should suffer, for what past Akua/Courtney did. As I have wrote in my blog posts before, I do not feel the need to date in search for love; I am looking more for male companionship. However, the companionship that I seek, will not be a jerk towards me. Our energies, frequencies and souls will meet, and we will just bounce positive energy off of each other…

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CARPE DIEM

*** I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, and forgot to publish. In actuality it is 5:12 AM, and I am in bed writing. Lol ***

Sitting here in Starbucks, writing…patiently waiting for the day when I will get paid to write professionally. I will think about my beginning, and humbly smile. When I am doing book tours, and signing autographs, I will look back and say; “it all started with a tablet and a dream!” When asked what my motivation was, I will say; “the dream was always there, just lying dormant underneath life. My greatest motivator was my passion to step outside the office, and behind a computer, and truly focus on what I love!” They will ask, “were you not afraid to take a leap? Were you not concerned with making money?” I will confidently answer; “I had faith in myself, and confidence that the universe would provide; it always does! The universe takes care of those, who take care of themselves! The universe provides, as long as you treat huemanity with love and respect!” They will look at me like I am crazy, and I will smile at them.

My only focus at this point is to pay bills, write and continue to pursue my dreams. I am not that young, but at 34, I am not old either. If 20 years pass by, and I am still not published; I will always be happy in the fact that I chose to continue, instead of giving up. I pursued my dream, and never gave up on myself. So many people are unhappy, because they gave up on their dreams. They reach a certain age, and realized their whole life has passed by; feel they are too old to old to pursue their dreams. I feel, as long as your heart is still pumping; there is blood in your veins, you are never too old to do what you love to do. If you are 60, and always wanted to go to college, go! If you have two children, and raising them alone, if you are really serious about pursuing your goals, you will find someone to watch them.There is aways someone in your corner, routing for you. Never give up on your dreams; giving up on your dreams, is giving up on yourself. Why go through life with shoulda, coulda and wouldas? Carpe diem; seize the day! GO OUT AND GET WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS!! DREAMS ARE MEANT TO BE PURSUED, YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! There will aways be someone that thinks you are crazy; “you have bills! How will your bills get paid? You are crazy for quitting your job? You need to be smacked with a dose of reality.” They all have a point, but trust me, those people are unhappy and probably gave up on their dreams a long time ago. I would never take advice from someone, who gave up on their dreams; themselves. If people are always complaining about their jobs, they are not doing what they were intended to do. People have lived their entire lives, and still have not realized their purpose in life. Everyone has a purpose, you just have to have the guts, the gumption, the balls to seek it out, and pursue it! Never let anyone tell you, you cannot o something. If you believe you can, you will! It is not about what others think or feel, but what you think or feel. At the end of the day, that person doubting you, will not/cannot possibly live your life for you; so why listen to them? Why participate in self-doubt; self-pity; poor self-image of yourself. Go out, and pursue your dreams. Life is about happiness; doing what makes you happy. People love to say, “you only live once;” this is false! In actuality, you live everyday, and die once. People also love to say, “Life is short;” wrong again. Life for most people, is very long; why spend your long life miserable and unhappy? Go for what you feel is rightfully yours; I know I am!

Dating is a Sport

Dating in 2016 is the most exhaustive sport, I have ever played. If I did not already have a child, I would be doomed! If I wanted more children, I would be doomed. It does not really seem to matter the age of the guy, they all seem to be ineligible. It may be my commitment issues, seeing the slightest flaw, and running away; but I do not think so. I truly believe, the men that gravitate towards me, see something in me, that I do not see; something that leads them to believe/think there is a mutual sexual attraction between us. I do not dress provocatively, or carry myself in a slutty manner; yet these men seem to be all about sex. I wonder if it is some kind of sexual aura, that I am giving off subconsciously?! Could I be putting sex in the air, without knowing that is what I am doing? Or is it that men nowadays want to skip dating, and just hop right into bed? I just refuse to believe, that all men just want sex and that is it. Or maybe I am just being naive.

If I choose to believe, that all men are sex-crazed, vagina sniffing dogs, then I will become the type of women all men hate; you know the cynical, man-hating type, that characterizes/generalizes all men as “dogs.” I just cannot be that person! I know that there are some really good men out there; I have dated quite a few. However for the past few years, I have met so many duds. At 34, I am not interested in sex-only relationships; however, I am not interested in marriage, or even a long-term relationship either. I THINK what I really want is companionship. I love male companionship; I love the idea of a boyfriend/relationship, just not all of the work, headaches and aggravation. Also, I have had enough sex to last a lifetime, so I am not really into that either. I just want a guy, to go to the occasional movie with, or out to eat; bowling, skeeball, etc. Why is that so much to ask for? Why can’t men and women be friends, without sex and relationships complicating things? Why can’t (some) men and women just look at each other, have things in common, and just enjoy each others company. I have been friends with males before, but they were all guys I dated in the past. I have never met someone, had something in common with them, and just remained friends. It seems the prerequisite for me to have a male friend, is to date them first; but the way my mental psyche is set up, a relationship will only oppress what I have already mentally set-up for myself. I know my male friend soulmate is out there, I just do not know where to look?!

Infidelity: Part Two

The possibility of this being Colin’s child, was almost certain. Kadijah’s mind was racing; she couldn’t believe she put herself in this predicament. What would she do? She couldn’t possibly get an abortion; how could she hide that from Kwame? She knew, from a friend’s experience, that she would be out of commission for at least two weeks. Kwame would get suspicious, if they did not make love for two weeks. She could usually go a few days, but that’s the max. But how could she entertain having this love child? “The features of Kwame and Colin aren’t too far off. They both have the same complexion; shape of head. Is it weird that I had an affair, with a man who could be the brother of my husband?” she thought. Kadijah was bursting, but who could she tell. Her best friend, was also the sister of Kwame. How could she indulge, knowing her loyalty will always be with her brother? She would be forced into a bigger situation, with a lot of fall outs.

A few days later, she and her husband where at Kwame’s company’s, annual black tie event. Kadijah loved these functions, because she was able to socialize with many celebrities, dignitaries and high ranking members of the Kwame’s company. They loved speaking with her; she had that natural gift of gab, that has gotten Kwame promotions before. The husbands all loved Kadijah; the wives side eyed her. The couple was always invited to functions, and Kadijah would always force Kwame to go to 87% of them. She felt it was a good way to network, and socialize with people, he wouldn’t otherwise have the chance to. Kwame was a very likeable person, so it was easy for him to move up the ladder on his own; but Kadijah was that perfect eye candy. While making the rounds,  hand in hand, they ran into Kadijah’s doctor, and her husband. Kadijah’s heart started pounding; she hoped the doctor would not blurt out the news; would not say a simple “congratulations.” They spoke for a few minutes; “so far so good,” she thought. She took Kwame’s hand, and kissed the doctor and husband on the cheek, to say goodbye. Just as they were walking away, the doctor’s husband said; “Kwame, Barb told me the good news…” Kwame looked puzzled; “what good news?” “You are going to be a father!” The doctor’s husband dug into his inside pocket, pulled out a cigar, and hugged Kwame. Kwame looked at the doctor, then looked at Kadijah. His face had a frown; the frown quickly turned to a smile as he shouted, “I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!!” He picked up Kadijah, and spun around in excitement. Kadijah was mortified, but had to pretend to be excited. When Kwame put her down, she said; “I was waiting for the right time to tell you.” He didn’t seem to care, he was just over thrilled. Everyone came over to pat Kwame on the back, and kiss Kadijah on the cheek. “I like attention, but not this damn much,” she thought. On the drive home, Kwame could not contain his excitement. He was so thrilled, he stopped at a smoke shop and bought cigars to hand out at work. Kadijah just sat there, with the weirdest smile; an uncomfortable smile; a smile that could win an Oscar.

“How long have you kept this precious secret from me? I mean how many days?” “I found out four days ago. I was going to surprise you with a special dinner tomorrow, but Bradford ruined the surprised.” “Well you could still make the special dinner. It’s not too often, I get a home cooked meal,” he said while cracking up. “Ha ha ha!” she said sarcastically. They got in the bed, and made passionate love. Afterwards, Kwame fell right asleep, but Kadijah laid there restless. She wrestled with her thoughts; “I didn’t even have a chance to make a decision; now the decision has been made. Now to see if I can pull this off…”

Sincerely, Black people

I will never understand why speaking about race, makes white people so uncomfortable?! Is it because that many, not all, don’t want to take
their blinders off, and acknowledge that race and oppression still exist in this country of theirs? Is it because they don’t want things to change? Or is because they think if  they don’t speak about it, it will just go away? Whatever you choose to believe, nothing will ever change until there is open dialogues spoken about race. If not, there will be a race war, right here on Amerikkkan soil.

Blacks, and other races (including whites) sympathetic to the Black cause, are getting real tired of being mistreated, simply because of our race. Our children made to go to horrible schools, just because we can’t afford to move out of the ghetto. I have an MBA, and still can’t afford to leave the hood. I have more of a chance of getting a “good” job with my MBA, than a white woman who only has a diploma. (Do your research). Affirmative action only helps the token Blacks, that choose to fit in. I don’t wear weave or wigs, and choose to wear my nappy hair instead; so I guess I’m not willing to conform to european standards of beauty. I’m not willing to shuck and jive; kiss ass just to get or keep a job. I’m not materialistic, and material things don’t drive me, so I guess I’m not a real Amerikkkan. I choose to be myself; an individual who has always moved to the beat of her own drum, regardless of how/what most people thought of me. I can’t spiritually afford, to conform and be like everyone else; it could never sit well with me. I can’t do drugs, drink and smoke cigs, just to be like anyone else. So conforming to acting “white,” in order to make money is something I could never do. I’m an educated woman, who likes to curse! I like saying fuck, and shit; it emphasizes my point!

My advice to white people, is to stop being so angry when Blacks constantly bring up race; apparently we are bringing it up because it is still an issue. Just because you choose to not acknowledge it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. We know that not all white people are bad or racist; but we also know that your white privilege can change the world. If you’re not a racist, take a stand against another white person, you see mistreating or taking advantage of a person of color. Advocate for Blacks; control your anger, and listen to that Black person who is constantly speaking about race. You may actually learn something, when your ears are open, and your mouths are closed. Keep in mind that the KKK was born out of hate for Blacks and other “undesirables.” The Black Panther Party, and other Black liberation groups, were born out of the need to defend our blackness. Those organizations had white members, who sympathized with the cause, and acknowledged that  Blacks were deeply oppressed by whites. Have you ever heard of the Weatherman? They were a group of very privileged, young white men and women, who assisted Black liberation organizations. Now they didn’t go about it in the best way, but their point was always made. Research Marilyn Buck, and the Black Liberation Army; she, Mutulu Shakur and a few others assisted in the escape of Assata Shakur. Now whether you choose to believe that she had a hand in killing those state troopers, or not is irrelevant; especially when you think of the fact, that she would not have gotten a fair trial in NY or NJ. My point is, there was once a time when many white people chose not to wear blinders, and see the problems for what they really were. Last thing; if you are not part of the solution, you are definitely part of the problem.

What Does it Mean to be Black in America?

Being Black in America, means that you are not free to celebrate your culture; for when you do, you are labeled a racist.

Being Black in America, means that you are oppressed, simply because you were not born white.

Being Black in America, means that you are not allowed to speak on issues that impact your race.

Being Black in America, means that our men, women and even children are not off limits to police brutality.

Being Black in America, means that police officers are always “justified” in killing our people.

Being Black in America means that we are always subject to racial profiling.

Being Black in America, means that we are our children will always be at a disadvantage, because of the sub-par education offered to them.

Being Black in America, means that you are always in a constant rage about the unfair treatment we are still subjected to.

Since the inception of this country, Blacks have been disparaged. We have been raped, beat, chained, whipped, tortured, impregnated, sold, auctioned, separated from our children. We have been subjected to the kind of cruelty, no hueman should ever be subjected to. We have been sprayed with water houses, beaten with clubs, attacked by dogs, shot, shot at, had plungers stuck inside of us, lynched, murdered, killed, chocked. We live in a country where white child molesters are pardoned, but Black dog fighters are forever crucified. We live in a country, where animals have more rights, than Black citizens. We live in a country where white and Black men could commit the same crime, and Black men will get the harsher punishment. We live in a country where we are automatically guilty, lazy, goalless, criminals, hoes, baby mamas, baby daddies, high school dropouts, nappy headed, big dick, sexualized, big nosed, uneducated; just because of the color of our skin. Why do white people continually go out of their way, to disparage us. If it’s a game that we are playing, you won a long time ago! White Americans have the upper hand, and still profit off of slavery in 2016. You cannot honestly say that this country would be the way it is today, had it not been for the blood, sweat and tears of our Ancestors. The sad part is, that there are many white people out there who aren’t racist; who believe that Blacks are mistreated in this country. Although there are many whites who have fought for the basic hueman rights of Blacks, sadly there are many more that don’t. The ones that don’t, indirectly perpetuate racism. When you have that racist uncle that’s always “nigger this and nigger that,” and you give that uncomfortable laugh or giggle; you are enabling them. When you have that one friend that doesn’t consider him or herself a racist, but don’s blackface; you go out in public with them, that perpetuates racism. If white people really wanted to end racism, it would have ended decades ago.

FACTS

  1. If you are not against racism, you are for it. You cannot ride the fence.
  2. Although many Blacks still use the word “nigger,” it is still offensive to many, and we do not ALL identify with that moniker.
  3. Every Black person is not the same. We are not all cut from the same cookie cutter mold. We are all individuals, whom make different choices; like any other race.
  4. White privilege is a real thing. If you use your white privilege to combat racism, kudos to you. If you choose to keep the blinders on, and not acknowledge it; whether you are a racist or not, you are still perpetuating racism.
  5. The oppression that our ancestors faced; that we still face today, is not something we can just “get over!” I have never heard someone tell the Jewish, to just “get over” the Holocaust. 6 million people died in the holocaust; 10’s of millions died during and after slavery.
  6. Being pro-Black, does not always mean anti-white. The Black agenda is not to “take over America,” it is to have a truly equal footing in it.

Being a Black “American” in 2016, shouldn’t mean being Black; it should mean to be a hueman being.