Frustrated

I am frustrated, beyond belief! Every time I think I am taking the right step forward, I am pulled back 5 steps. Why is this? I mean, I honestly just do not understand?! I feel like, I have a good heart; I do for people, way more than people do for me (in 98% of the cases). I took the pepper steps; I am educated, and have experience within my field. Yet, I am not able to find a suitable job. Am I destined to work at Starbucks, for the rest of my life? I have an MBA, and I am a Barista at Starbucks, because I can’t find a job. I am also limited by the fact, I live in North Carolina, and do not own a car. The biggest irony is, I will never be able to afford a car, because I work at Starbucks. It is said to say, that a company that makes as much money as Starbucks, they do not pay their employees liveable wages. I am no snob; I do not expect to get paid the same amount as my “real” job, but what I get paid, is barely enough to pay my rent.

The past few years, I have been so frustrated, within my chosen field. I tell myself, “this is only temporary;” but when does temporary end? I have been in this “temporary” position forever. I am so tired of struggling!!! When will the damn struggle be over??? As I sit here and type this, I am fighting back tears. Why is life so hard for me? I know people who only have high school diplomas, that are successful in their careers; why am I sitting here crying, because I can’t find a job? Why am I not able to find a job? The sadest part is, I moved to NC, because the cost of living was low, and I wanted to work less, and write more. Being that I cannot find a job in my field, I have to work more and harder, just to survive; I do not write as frequently, as I hoped. I have been down here for almost three months, without any real progress. When will I progress in life?? I try to remain positive, and think positive thoughts, but it’s hard when nothing you do seems to pay off. When will my time come?

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Karma is a Psycho B*tch

Is having standards, and setting boundaries off putting to men? In the past few years, I have become the person, I am to be for the rest of my life. I feel my past has pretty much shaped me, into the person I am happy with. That being said, I seem to come off as rude or too blunt, for most people. I honestly feel as though, I should not have to sugar coat anything for a grown-ass adult. I am very open, and honest when speaking to my 12 year old son as well. People who try to spare their children from hurt, I feel, are setting them up for failure. I digress; when I meet someone, whether in-person or online, I pretty much display my personality from the beginning. I do not believe in putting up pretenses, just to go on a date with someone. If that relationship works out, you will have to keep those pretenses up until you divorce, or one of you dies; I just do not have that kind of time or energy. I have to let people know, even in friendships, how I am. Most people cannot handle me, in a relationship or a friendship. I say what I want; never meaning to be mean or insulting, but if I did not care, I would just be quiet.

A little about myself; I am very stubborn and proud, but know how to graciously humble myself. I am that one friend, that will say meet me at 1:00 PM, and be there by 12:30. I am a stickler for time; call me a time-nazi. I do not like wasting people’s time, and I do not want my time wasted. So I cyber met this guy, and we seemed to mesh well. We planned a date for Saturday, the Friday before. I told him I get off at 1; he told me he would get off by 4:30. Saturday rolls around, and I ask him around what time we were going to  meet up; “I am not sure.” Huh?? We are supposed to go out, but you don’t even have a ballpark time? Weird. I try not to make the most out of it, but I am screaming inside. Lol #timenazi. So we text each other throughout the day, and a few hours later, I asked him for a ballpark time. He calls me, and tells me he has to make a pitstop around 6:30, but would call me when he got to his destination. Okay, I can live with that; sort of. So, I hop in the shower, put on my makeup, style my hair, spend I don’t know how long searching for an outfit. I look at the time, and it is almost 8; I text him, “are we still hanging out?” He called me, and told me he had to go back to his job, but we could still hang out, or wait until tomorrow. I am in Durham, NC; everything shuts down early; there is nothing to do. He told me I sounded upset, and that he did not want me to be upset with him. I explained to him, how I felt about time, and the lack of consideration on the part of people who keep me waiting. He seemed to understand, and admitted that he was really bad with time. We spoke for a few more minutes, and he told me he would call me back in 20. 20 minutes comes and goes, and he never called back. I text him about 3 hours later, and sarcastically told him to “have a great evening!” Sunday comes in, and he doesn’t call or text either. So my question is, is setting boundaries/standards in the beginning a no-no to dating? It seems like it is. Personally, I do not feel like asking someone to be considerate of my time, should be a deal breaker. Personally, I feel that, that is something that should naturally come, when you are dealing with another human. Apparently I am abnormal for wanting people, to not have me waiting around for them. Apparently I am abnormal, because I believe in treating others as they treat me. Apparently I am abnormal, because I choose to speak on what is bothering me. I think many of these men have been disillusioned into thinking, that women are supposed to be calm and demure, with absolutely no issues; we are supposed to be without boundaries or standards, and just straight up desperate to have a man, any man. Where did this way of thinking come from? Men are really set to lose out on a good woman, because they are stuck in their own way. I can be flexible and compromising, but you have to be willing to do the same. Everything cannot be one-sided; where the women is flexible, and the man does not budge. If love is what you are truly looking for, you will not find it with that type of attitude.

I would never consider myself to be bitter, or man-hating; however, I speak in terms of MY reality. I have come across some really great men in my life, whom I have messed over. This was simply bad timing; I was not, and still really not ready for anything too serious. As I said, I have met some really great guys, but the past few years, I have met crazy after crazy. I have been told/read many times, that you attract what it is already in you; I do not believe this! I do not believe this, because when I was horrible person, and said/did mean and nasty things to people, I attracted the best men. Now that I am more in tune with myself; more positive person, I attract the worst type of men. The only thing I can think of, is karma. Karma coming back to bite me in my ass. But why karma? Why should my 34 year old self, pay for something my 26 year old self did? Why should I pay for hurting people, several years ago, right now in this moment? I do not feel as though I should suffer, for what past Akua/Courtney did. As I have wrote in my blog posts before, I do not feel the need to date in search for love; I am looking more for male companionship. However, the companionship that I seek, will not be a jerk towards me. Our energies, frequencies and souls will meet, and we will just bounce positive energy off of each other…

CARPE DIEM

*** I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, and forgot to publish. In actuality it is 5:12 AM, and I am in bed writing. Lol ***

Sitting here in Starbucks, writing…patiently waiting for the day when I will get paid to write professionally. I will think about my beginning, and humbly smile. When I am doing book tours, and signing autographs, I will look back and say; “it all started with a tablet and a dream!” When asked what my motivation was, I will say; “the dream was always there, just lying dormant underneath life. My greatest motivator was my passion to step outside the office, and behind a computer, and truly focus on what I love!” They will ask, “were you not afraid to take a leap? Were you not concerned with making money?” I will confidently answer; “I had faith in myself, and confidence that the universe would provide; it always does! The universe takes care of those, who take care of themselves! The universe provides, as long as you treat huemanity with love and respect!” They will look at me like I am crazy, and I will smile at them.

My only focus at this point is to pay bills, write and continue to pursue my dreams. I am not that young, but at 34, I am not old either. If 20 years pass by, and I am still not published; I will always be happy in the fact that I chose to continue, instead of giving up. I pursued my dream, and never gave up on myself. So many people are unhappy, because they gave up on their dreams. They reach a certain age, and realized their whole life has passed by; feel they are too old to old to pursue their dreams. I feel, as long as your heart is still pumping; there is blood in your veins, you are never too old to do what you love to do. If you are 60, and always wanted to go to college, go! If you have two children, and raising them alone, if you are really serious about pursuing your goals, you will find someone to watch them.There is aways someone in your corner, routing for you. Never give up on your dreams; giving up on your dreams, is giving up on yourself. Why go through life with shoulda, coulda and wouldas? Carpe diem; seize the day! GO OUT AND GET WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS!! DREAMS ARE MEANT TO BE PURSUED, YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! There will aways be someone that thinks you are crazy; “you have bills! How will your bills get paid? You are crazy for quitting your job? You need to be smacked with a dose of reality.” They all have a point, but trust me, those people are unhappy and probably gave up on their dreams a long time ago. I would never take advice from someone, who gave up on their dreams; themselves. If people are always complaining about their jobs, they are not doing what they were intended to do. People have lived their entire lives, and still have not realized their purpose in life. Everyone has a purpose, you just have to have the guts, the gumption, the balls to seek it out, and pursue it! Never let anyone tell you, you cannot o something. If you believe you can, you will! It is not about what others think or feel, but what you think or feel. At the end of the day, that person doubting you, will not/cannot possibly live your life for you; so why listen to them? Why participate in self-doubt; self-pity; poor self-image of yourself. Go out, and pursue your dreams. Life is about happiness; doing what makes you happy. People love to say, “you only live once;” this is false! In actuality, you live everyday, and die once. People also love to say, “Life is short;” wrong again. Life for most people, is very long; why spend your long life miserable and unhappy? Go for what you feel is rightfully yours; I know I am!