Infidelity: Part One

We met at work; started out harmlessly enough as friendly coworkers. He would pass me, our eyes would meet; we’d speak “hello” to one another. We would harmlessly flirt with each other; nothing more than playful banter back and forth. But at the holiday party, a line was crossed. Our flirtation pushed pass the line, and overstepped the boundary; the boundary of cheating. We both had spouses; seemingly healthy marriages. He had been with his wife for fifteen years; I with my husband for seven. Before now, cheating would never had crossed either of our minds. But now we stand here, in the unisex bathroom, passionately kissing each other; trying to figure out how to leave the party, without being seen/missed; trying to figure out the closest hotel. We finally make it out of the party unseen, and find a hotel about five blocks away. It is secluded, and is not near any bus or train stations. We enter the room, and immediately start tearing each others clothes off. By the time we make it to the bed, we are both naked and ready. He laid me down, kissed my neck and then my lips. We made love, slowly; sensuously; passionately for hours. We kissed like we were in love; like we were soulmates. When we realized the time, we rushed to get dressed, headed down stairs and took separate cabs home. Both thinking about their evening of lovemaking.

Kadijah
Kadijah married her college sweetheart, Kwame right after graduation. They both grew up in the Bronx, down the block from each other. They knew of each other, but hung around different crowds. They didn’t start hanging out, until each others best friend started dating, their senior year. They started talking, and realized they had a lot in common. They became good friends, and remained that way throughout their senior year. They were accepted into the same college, but still remained friends until the spring semester of their sophomore year. There had always been an attraction, but they were never single at the same time. Kwame gave Kadijah a rose for “Black Love Day,” and they decided to go on a date; they have been a couple ever since. They became engaged their senior year, and married three months after graduation. They both had high paying jobs; Kwame was a Senior Investment Operations Analyst; Kadijah was a Human Resource Director for a ‘Forbes Top 100′ company. She had just been promoted to Director; making her the youngest, and first Black HR Director in the company; two accolades she was very proud of. The couple had tried for many years to conceive, but had much trouble. After both were tested, their doctor told them, Kwame had a low sperm count; conceiving a child would not be impossible, but would take “perseverance.” Devastated  by the news, the couple decided that if a child was for them, he or she would come in due time. So they lived their lives; traveled all seven continents; traveled to twenty African countries, Nigeria and Ghana being their favorite. They visited Paris, Rome, Puerto Rico, the Bahamas, etc. They decided not to let their circumstance, get the better of them.

Kwame was totally dedicated to his loving wife. He would do anything to make her happy; however, he often wondered if he was man enough for her. Not being able to have children because of him, he wondered if he was holding her back. He wondered if she would eventually leave him, when her desire to have children outweighed her love for him. He felt that if he kept her happy, she would never leave him. He could never imagine his life without Kadijah. She was his everything.

Kadijah knew that her husband felt bad, but never held it against it. She felt that if having children was in the universe’ plan, they would have been able to conceive. She tried to assure him, she would never leave him for this reason or any other. She knew that he overcompensated, and would often ask him to stop. But she also knew he wanted to do these things, so she would just let him. They had a great sex life; very loving towards each other; never felt a void between them. They rarely ever argued, and when they did, they often made up quickly. They were simply in love with each other.

Colin

Colin and his wife, Cora had been married for fifteen years. They had three children, and lived in Connecticut. Both Colin and Cora, grew up in New  Jersey; both came from two different backgrounds. Colin was from an urban area, and grew up in the projects; whilst Cora was raised in the suburbs. They met when Colin was a senior at Princeton University, and Cora was a freshman. By the end of her freshman year, Cora was 5 months pregnant with their first child. Her parents were very disappointed, but supportive. Colin’s family on the other hand, did not want anything to with the child. They were not very supportive of the baby, and told Colin not to marry Cora under any circumstance. They felt they were both too young, to be tied down with children.  After graduating, Colin got a really great job as a Marketing Assistant, and financially supported Cora and the baby. As he began to mature, he started spending more time around their son, and Cora. They eventually started dating again, and fell in love. They were married, while Cora carried their second child, and their first child was four. Their third child was born two years later. Cora was a stay at home mom, who homeschooled their children.

Cora was very much in love Colin; she pleased him in every way possible, and was a very submissive wife. She took care of the home, the kids; aways made sure dinner was at the table when he came home. She was a very doting, but stern mother. She was very happy in her role, but always had a sense of insecurity. She always felt as though Colin was too good for her; he was aways smarter; got better grades; very handsome. She was not very attractive, and sometimes wondered why he gave her a chance in the first place. She never shared her insecurities with him; she was just happy he chose her to marry. Even when she was pregnant with their first born, she never brought up the “m” word, for fear he might get scared away. She just always hoped, he would do the right thing and he eventually did.

Colin always had an inkling, that Cora had insecurities about herself. He could tell by the amount of makeup she wore; the way she dressed and carried herself; some of the things she would say. He tried his hardest to let her know, that she was beautiful in his eyes. He always held her hand, and kissed her while they were out. He always wore his wedding ring proud, and bragged about how good of a wife and mother she was. He aways wanted to let her know, she was number one in his life.

After the Hotel

Kadijah

Kadijah felt such a rush…a rush she had not felt in a long time. She felt goosebumps all over her body, every time she thought about Colin’s kisses. In the cab ride home, she text Colin how she couldn’t wait for their next session. She could not believe that she was craving a man, other than her husband. Cheating on Kwame had never been a thought; she was so satisfied, she thought…

Colin

Colin was about thirteen years oder than Kadijah, and was shocked that someone so much younger, would find him attractive. He had aways been an attractive man, but was still surprised. He text her back, smiling with every word typed. He told her, they should get together every Wednesday after work. The HR/Marketing teams have a standing Wednesday afternoon meeting, which usually ends by 4:00. They could sneak off to a hotel for an hour, and be on their way homes by 5:30. Kadijah agreed.

The Continuation

Every Wednesday, Kadijah and Colin would sneak off to a hotel, a few blocks away from the job. If they felt they could not make it in between Wednesday sessions, they would have mini sessions in either of their offices. Not too often, because they did not want anyone to get suspicious. By now, their affair had gone on for about four months. Neither of their spouses seemed to be any wiser. They were so bold and daring, that at one family barbeque, they snuck off to have sex in the bathroom; while their spouses were outside talking to each other. They did this twice, during one barbeque alone. They were infatuated with each other’s bodies; they always wanted more. They pretended they had a mandatory weekend retreat, and spent the weekend in the Poconos together, never leaving the room once. They each opened credit cards, neither spouse knew about, just so they could charge their dalliances on them, and not be found out. They figured if they kept things the way they were, they would never be caught.

The sixth month into their affair, Kadijah had her annual checkup. After she was examined, the doctor asked her how she’s been. “Well Doc, I have been extremely tired lately; my breasts are swollen, and I have to pee all of the time. I think I may have a bladder infection?” “When was the last time you got your period?” Kadijah pulled out her phone, and checked her calendar. She did not see an entry for this month, so she checked last month; no entry there either. So she checked the month before, and that was the last entry she made for her period. “I must have forgotten to make an entry last month?” “Kadijah, I have been your doctor for five years, and you have never forgotten an entry.” “I know, but things have been so hectic at work lately.” “You seem to be a little in denial, about what this could possibly mean!” The doctor was right, she was in denial. If she was pregnant, she knew the possibility of it being Kwame’s was extremely slim. She crookedly smiled at the doctor, and said, “okay, let’s do it.” As soon as the test was dipped in Kadijah’s urine, it lit up. She was definitely pregnant. “Congratulations!!! I told you pregnancy wasn’t completely ruled out for you and Kwame…”

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I Just Want to Write

I wish I could fast forward, to a time when I no longer have to work for people…I just want to write! Write for a living; use my imagination freely. Run wild with my thoughts, and be free. Of course reality tells me, this is a fallacy because bills need to be paid. Children have to go off to college. Food and water are kind of a basic necessity in life, and unfortunately, I have not mastered the art of gardening. More goals to conquer!

Day in and day out, for years, I have been dissatisfied with every job. Waiting for Friday to come, so that I could have some mental peace. It is tiring working for people, especially when you do not want to do the job; you are merely there for the paycheck. I wasted so much money (and time), in student loans; obtaining 3 degrees I could care less if I ever use again. For a brief moment in my life, practicality took over.I have always been a flighty, free-spirited person; who could/would just pick up and go; son in tow. A some point, I felt I was older, and needed to do something different. I buckled down and went to school for 5 years; first the Associate’ in Accounting. In my very last semester, while working my internship, I realized Accounting was not for me. $20,000 wasted. I took about 8 months off, and went back to school for Human Resource Management. I had a whole 10-15 year plan for myself; including becoming an HR Director by 45. My MBA is also in HR Management. I just loved the thought of all aspects of HR, but I was still unhappy going to work everyday. I resigned from my position, when it became mentally too heavy to bear. I was unemployed, and feeling hopeless. I could not understand why, I went to school for all of these years; spent all of this money on specialized degrees, but was still unhappy. It was not until I realized that there was a void in my soul; something was not connecting. Something was missing!

That practicality moment that I had, that put me into debt, I wish I could shoot it to death. I wish I did not have that moment, to where I felt, I needed to conform in order to make a living. Truth be told, every job that I have had since graduating with my BS, only needed a high school diploma to qualify. However, had I not had the BS, I would not have had the opportunity to qualify. Conundrum, I know. If I could go back in time, I would tell my 18 year old self, to stick with that English/Communications degree; do not drop out under an circumstance. Do your 4-5 year school bid; graduate and stick to your goals. Since high school, all I ever wanted to do was write. That is what I initially set out to do, before life got a hold of me. I have always been a creative, and siting behind a desk takes the life out of me.It forces me to be someone/something I am not. It forces me to step inside the box, and conform to everyone else around me. I forces me to play a game, I have no interest in playing. Unless you are a fellow writer, you just don’t understand the screaming we do on the inside, because our voices are not heard/read. You don’t understand how it feels to lose your passion for writing; only to find it again, and pursue it with a vengeance. All I want to do is write…I just want to write.

Commitment Issues

Sometimes, I just get so frustrated with myself, and these commitment issues that I have. Is it so hard to find a counselor, and try to work them out? Well Obviously, it must be. I am eternally single, because I subconsciously (or maybe consciously), sabotage any kind of “relationship” that I do get into. I have met some really great men, and I always do or say something, that pushes them away. When they finally get fed up and leave, I always ask myself, “why did you do that? What was wrong with this one?” These men are almost always college educated, love their mothers, have one or no children, great jobs, handsome (of course); but somehow, I always find something wrong with them. It never fails. I have even dated men, who would not usually be my “type,” and still the same thing. I can have a great connection with someone, but it is the same vicious cycle, over and over again. I know that I have some abandonment issues, stemming from childhood, but at 34, you would think I would have worked them out by now. The funny thing is, I actually like being by myself most of the time; but sometimes, I would like the companionship of a man and not only for sex. I am over the whole friends with benefits deal, but I seemingly cannot do relationships either. I guess, I am doomed to be alone….

Beliefs of Individuals

In late 2013, early 2014, I guilted Chris into getting baptized. I told him that people whom aren’t baptized, go to hell. Being the “good christian” that I was then, I wanted/needed to save my baby from going to hell. At the time, I thought It was very important, that Chris grow up knowing the lord, and all that he can and will do for you, if you just pray and have faith. Although I have not led the most “righteous” life, I was turning over my life to christ. I rededicated my life to all things lord. I went up during the church’s invitation call; attended all four classes; officially joined the church; faithfully attended church, with Chris in tote; prayed throughout the day; read my bible; made and hung around like-minded people; faithfully tithed. I rededicated my life to christ, because I felt this was the answer to all of my problems. I was about to graduate with my Bachelors; I had a decent job; everything just seemed to be looking up for me. I was very optimistic about my life, and the direction it was headed. I tried to instill this same message into Chris, but like many children, he was not interested. So I told/convinced him that if he doesn’t get baptized, he will go to hell! Point. Blank. Period. If he was to be baptized, when he comitted a sin, all he had to do is confess his sins; repent, and all sins will be forgiven. I scared him enough to where he thought he would really go to hell, if he wasn’t baptized.

So today I sit here, thinking how stupid it was for me to do this to him. I was never the type of parent, who told my son about santa, or the easter bunny, or the tooth fairy. I just never spoke about these mythical creatures at all. I decided that I would let Chris come to his own idea/opinion/conclusion about them. I was/am the type of mother that believes that children should be able to practice individuality; should be free to roam and explore; figure things out for themselves. I believe that the reason Chris is the good boy he is today, because I let him make his own decisions; be his own person. So why did I feel the need to force this baptism on him? What was it inside of me, that felt the need to make him do this? What was I really saying to my child?

Around mid 2014, after Chris was baptized, we were talking and he dropped a bombshell on me. He told me that he believed in evolution, and the big bang theory. Honestly at the time, I really did not pay too much attention to it. He spoke to me in length, about the theory, and how cool he thought it was. And I just listened, and let him speak. The only question I asked him, was; “if people came from monkeys and apes, why do monkeys and apes still exist? (This is the proverbial question most people whom believe in christ ask). His response was; “that’s easy! Not all monkeys and apes evolved.” Just like that! He, nor I mentioned it again. By this time, I had given up on church; seeing that no matter how much I prayed, attended church; tithed; bible studied, etc. I was still poor and broke with 3 specialized degrees, in “lucrative” fields.

Fast forward to December 2015, Chris, one of my younger brother’ and myself went out to lunch. Chris and his uncle were speaking, and he mentioned the evolution theory to my brother. Well my brother went back and told my parents, and my dad had a serious issue with this. As Chris and my father debated (really argued), over the facts of evolution and God, I sat there listening, and was very surprised at Chris. Not because of what he was telling my father, but the fact that he held his own, conversing with an adult. He was very mannerable and respectful towards his grandfather; but he also made sure he got his point across. At that point, I realized that Chris really is an individual, and not just a child who needs to be governed. When we become a certain age, we don’t want our parents trying to control us anymore. We all want freedom to believe and think what we want. So why do we try to make our children, believe what we believe? I understand that as a parent, we will always want what’s best for our children, but at what cost? Is telling our children, that there’s a man in the sky, who can see everything that you do; knows all that you do; will punish you for being human, the right thing to do, or is it a scare tactic to make our children behave. For the majority of Chris’ life, I did not go near a church; up until that one time, I never had to threaten Chris to be a good boy; he just was. So a few weeks ago when he told me, he does not believe in God, what could I say? People are allowed to believe what they want to believe; this does not exclude children. So the next time your child tries to share something with you, please don’t force your opinions, ideologies and beliefs down their throats; you just may be pushing them away!

What Does it Mean to be Black in America?

Being Black in America, means that you are not free to celebrate your culture; for when you do, you are labeled a racist.

Being Black in America, means that you are oppressed, simply because you were not born white.

Being Black in America, means that you are not allowed to speak on issues that impact your race.

Being Black in America, means that our men, women and even children are not off limits to police brutality.

Being Black in America, means that police officers are always “justified” in killing our people.

Being Black in America means that we are always subject to racial profiling.

Being Black in America, means that we are our children will always be at a disadvantage, because of the sub-par education offered to them.

Being Black in America, means that you are always in a constant rage about the unfair treatment we are still subjected to.

Since the inception of this country, Blacks have been disparaged. We have been raped, beat, chained, whipped, tortured, impregnated, sold, auctioned, separated from our children. We have been subjected to the kind of cruelty, no hueman should ever be subjected to. We have been sprayed with water houses, beaten with clubs, attacked by dogs, shot, shot at, had plungers stuck inside of us, lynched, murdered, killed, chocked. We live in a country where white child molesters are pardoned, but Black dog fighters are forever crucified. We live in a country, where animals have more rights, than Black citizens. We live in a country where white and Black men could commit the same crime, and Black men will get the harsher punishment. We live in a country where we are automatically guilty, lazy, goalless, criminals, hoes, baby mamas, baby daddies, high school dropouts, nappy headed, big dick, sexualized, big nosed, uneducated; just because of the color of our skin. Why do white people continually go out of their way, to disparage us. If it’s a game that we are playing, you won a long time ago! White Americans have the upper hand, and still profit off of slavery in 2016. You cannot honestly say that this country would be the way it is today, had it not been for the blood, sweat and tears of our Ancestors. The sad part is, that there are many white people out there who aren’t racist; who believe that Blacks are mistreated in this country. Although there are many whites who have fought for the basic hueman rights of Blacks, sadly there are many more that don’t. The ones that don’t, indirectly perpetuate racism. When you have that racist uncle that’s always “nigger this and nigger that,” and you give that uncomfortable laugh or giggle; you are enabling them. When you have that one friend that doesn’t consider him or herself a racist, but don’s blackface; you go out in public with them, that perpetuates racism. If white people really wanted to end racism, it would have ended decades ago.

FACTS

  1. If you are not against racism, you are for it. You cannot ride the fence.
  2. Although many Blacks still use the word “nigger,” it is still offensive to many, and we do not ALL identify with that moniker.
  3. Every Black person is not the same. We are not all cut from the same cookie cutter mold. We are all individuals, whom make different choices; like any other race.
  4. White privilege is a real thing. If you use your white privilege to combat racism, kudos to you. If you choose to keep the blinders on, and not acknowledge it; whether you are a racist or not, you are still perpetuating racism.
  5. The oppression that our ancestors faced; that we still face today, is not something we can just “get over!” I have never heard someone tell the Jewish, to just “get over” the Holocaust. 6 million people died in the holocaust; 10’s of millions died during and after slavery.
  6. Being pro-Black, does not always mean anti-white. The Black agenda is not to “take over America,” it is to have a truly equal footing in it.

Being a Black “American” in 2016, shouldn’t mean being Black; it should mean to be a hueman being.

 

Selfish

Selfish is defined as a person being devoted and caring only for self. Concerned only for their own interests, benefits and welfare, regardless of others.

Why are people so selfish? Is selfishness learned behavior; are certain people born this way? How can someone you used to be so close to, turn out to be a selfish stranger? I don’t recognize this person. How can this person turn out to be, a person that inconveniences you, just because they can? Some who can inconvenience you, for their own selfish needs. Someone who cares for self, with little disregard for anyone else. Someone who does mean and spiteful things, just because they feel like it. A person you were once so close to, but is now a complete stranger. Regardless of the outcome of past relationships, I could never do things just to be spiteful to others. Once I have love for someone, that love will always remain. I don’t speak ill of them, nor do I wish any ill on them. I could never be spiteful, even if I have the “upper hand.”

Petty, vindictive, and just plain selfish are the adjectives I use to describe this person. I have made a point to not hold grudges against people, but I will not speak to this person until they decide to grow up. This person needs to do some serious soul searching. Soul searching to realize, that you don’t treat people badly, because you are in a bad mood; because the wind blows. You see someone at 60%, so you beat them down to 35%; just because you can. How do you treat someone badly, not apologize and then fix your face to ask me for something? Some people in life will only learn through tough love; through life experience. It’s unfortunate when a good relationship turns bad, but even worse when that relationships goes sour. In life, you live and you learn, and I have learned to pick my battles and keep my distance form toxic people. You cannot please everyone, and I refuse to try to. I love you, and I always will but our relationship will never be the same! The damage is done, and only time, healing growth can fix it.