I wish I could fast forward, to a time when I no longer have to work for people…I just want to write! Write for a living; use my imagination freely. Run wild with my thoughts, and be free. Of course reality tells me, this is a fallacy because bills need to be paid. Children have to go off to college. Food and water are kind of a basic necessity in life, and unfortunately, I have not mastered the art of gardening. More goals to conquer!
Day in and day out, for years, I have been dissatisfied with every job. Waiting for Friday to come, so that I could have some mental peace. It is tiring working for people, especially when you do not want to do the job; you are merely there for the paycheck. I wasted so much money (and time), in student loans; obtaining 3 degrees I could care less if I ever use again. For a brief moment in my life, practicality took over.I have always been a flighty, free-spirited person; who could/would just pick up and go; son in tow. A some point, I felt I was older, and needed to do something different. I buckled down and went to school for 5 years; first the Associate’ in Accounting. In my very last semester, while working my internship, I realized Accounting was not for me. $20,000 wasted. I took about 8 months off, and went back to school for Human Resource Management. I had a whole 10-15 year plan for myself; including becoming an HR Director by 45. My MBA is also in HR Management. I just loved the thought of all aspects of HR, but I was still unhappy going to work everyday. I resigned from my position, when it became mentally too heavy to bear. I was unemployed, and feeling hopeless. I could not understand why, I went to school for all of these years; spent all of this money on specialized degrees, but was still unhappy. It was not until I realized that there was a void in my soul; something was not connecting. Something was missing!
That practicality moment that I had, that put me into debt, I wish I could shoot it to death. I wish I did not have that moment, to where I felt, I needed to conform in order to make a living. Truth be told, every job that I have had since graduating with my BS, only needed a high school diploma to qualify. However, had I not had the BS, I would not have had the opportunity to qualify. Conundrum, I know. If I could go back in time, I would tell my 18 year old self, to stick with that English/Communications degree; do not drop out under an circumstance. Do your 4-5 year school bid; graduate and stick to your goals. Since high school, all I ever wanted to do was write. That is what I initially set out to do, before life got a hold of me. I have always been a creative, and siting behind a desk takes the life out of me.It forces me to be someone/something I am not. It forces me to step inside the box, and conform to everyone else around me. I forces me to play a game, I have no interest in playing. Unless you are a fellow writer, you just don’t understand the screaming we do on the inside, because our voices are not heard/read. You don’t understand how it feels to lose your passion for writing; only to find it again, and pursue it with a vengeance. All I want to do is write…I just want to write.