I Just Want to Write

I wish I could fast forward, to a time when I no longer have to work for people…I just want to write! Write for a living; use my imagination freely. Run wild with my thoughts, and be free. Of course reality tells me, this is a fallacy because bills need to be paid. Children have to go off to college. Food and water are kind of a basic necessity in life, and unfortunately, I have not mastered the art of gardening. More goals to conquer!

Day in and day out, for years, I have been dissatisfied with every job. Waiting for Friday to come, so that I could have some mental peace. It is tiring working for people, especially when you do not want to do the job; you are merely there for the paycheck. I wasted so much money (and time), in student loans; obtaining 3 degrees I could care less if I ever use again. For a brief moment in my life, practicality took over.I have always been a flighty, free-spirited person; who could/would just pick up and go; son in tow. A some point, I felt I was older, and needed to do something different. I buckled down and went to school for 5 years; first the Associate’ in Accounting. In my very last semester, while working my internship, I realized Accounting was not for me. $20,000 wasted. I took about 8 months off, and went back to school for Human Resource Management. I had a whole 10-15 year plan for myself; including becoming an HR Director by 45. My MBA is also in HR Management. I just loved the thought of all aspects of HR, but I was still unhappy going to work everyday. I resigned from my position, when it became mentally too heavy to bear. I was unemployed, and feeling hopeless. I could not understand why, I went to school for all of these years; spent all of this money on specialized degrees, but was still unhappy. It was not until I realized that there was a void in my soul; something was not connecting. Something was missing!

That practicality moment that I had, that put me into debt, I wish I could shoot it to death. I wish I did not have that moment, to where I felt, I needed to conform in order to make a living. Truth be told, every job that I have had since graduating with my BS, only needed a high school diploma to qualify. However, had I not had the BS, I would not have had the opportunity to qualify. Conundrum, I know. If I could go back in time, I would tell my 18 year old self, to stick with that English/Communications degree; do not drop out under an circumstance. Do your 4-5 year school bid; graduate and stick to your goals. Since high school, all I ever wanted to do was write. That is what I initially set out to do, before life got a hold of me. I have always been a creative, and siting behind a desk takes the life out of me.It forces me to be someone/something I am not. It forces me to step inside the box, and conform to everyone else around me. I forces me to play a game, I have no interest in playing. Unless you are a fellow writer, you just don’t understand the screaming we do on the inside, because our voices are not heard/read. You don’t understand how it feels to lose your passion for writing; only to find it again, and pursue it with a vengeance. All I want to do is write…I just want to write.

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Commitment Issues

Sometimes, I just get so frustrated with myself, and these commitment issues that I have. Is it so hard to find a counselor, and try to work them out? Well Obviously, it must be. I am eternally single, because I subconsciously (or maybe consciously), sabotage any kind of “relationship” that I do get into. I have met some really great men, and I always do or say something, that pushes them away. When they finally get fed up and leave, I always ask myself, “why did you do that? What was wrong with this one?” These men are almost always college educated, love their mothers, have one or no children, great jobs, handsome (of course); but somehow, I always find something wrong with them. It never fails. I have even dated men, who would not usually be my “type,” and still the same thing. I can have a great connection with someone, but it is the same vicious cycle, over and over again. I know that I have some abandonment issues, stemming from childhood, but at 34, you would think I would have worked them out by now. The funny thing is, I actually like being by myself most of the time; but sometimes, I would like the companionship of a man and not only for sex. I am over the whole friends with benefits deal, but I seemingly cannot do relationships either. I guess, I am doomed to be alone….

Beliefs of Individuals

In late 2013, early 2014, I guilted Chris into getting baptized. I told him that people whom aren’t baptized, go to hell. Being the “good christian” that I was then, I wanted/needed to save my baby from going to hell. At the time, I thought It was very important, that Chris grow up knowing the lord, and all that he can and will do for you, if you just pray and have faith. Although I have not led the most “righteous” life, I was turning over my life to christ. I rededicated my life to all things lord. I went up during the church’s invitation call; attended all four classes; officially joined the church; faithfully attended church, with Chris in tote; prayed throughout the day; read my bible; made and hung around like-minded people; faithfully tithed. I rededicated my life to christ, because I felt this was the answer to all of my problems. I was about to graduate with my Bachelors; I had a decent job; everything just seemed to be looking up for me. I was very optimistic about my life, and the direction it was headed. I tried to instill this same message into Chris, but like many children, he was not interested. So I told/convinced him that if he doesn’t get baptized, he will go to hell! Point. Blank. Period. If he was to be baptized, when he comitted a sin, all he had to do is confess his sins; repent, and all sins will be forgiven. I scared him enough to where he thought he would really go to hell, if he wasn’t baptized.

So today I sit here, thinking how stupid it was for me to do this to him. I was never the type of parent, who told my son about santa, or the easter bunny, or the tooth fairy. I just never spoke about these mythical creatures at all. I decided that I would let Chris come to his own idea/opinion/conclusion about them. I was/am the type of mother that believes that children should be able to practice individuality; should be free to roam and explore; figure things out for themselves. I believe that the reason Chris is the good boy he is today, because I let him make his own decisions; be his own person. So why did I feel the need to force this baptism on him? What was it inside of me, that felt the need to make him do this? What was I really saying to my child?

Around mid 2014, after Chris was baptized, we were talking and he dropped a bombshell on me. He told me that he believed in evolution, and the big bang theory. Honestly at the time, I really did not pay too much attention to it. He spoke to me in length, about the theory, and how cool he thought it was. And I just listened, and let him speak. The only question I asked him, was; “if people came from monkeys and apes, why do monkeys and apes still exist? (This is the proverbial question most people whom believe in christ ask). His response was; “that’s easy! Not all monkeys and apes evolved.” Just like that! He, nor I mentioned it again. By this time, I had given up on church; seeing that no matter how much I prayed, attended church; tithed; bible studied, etc. I was still poor and broke with 3 specialized degrees, in “lucrative” fields.

Fast forward to December 2015, Chris, one of my younger brother’ and myself went out to lunch. Chris and his uncle were speaking, and he mentioned the evolution theory to my brother. Well my brother went back and told my parents, and my dad had a serious issue with this. As Chris and my father debated (really argued), over the facts of evolution and God, I sat there listening, and was very surprised at Chris. Not because of what he was telling my father, but the fact that he held his own, conversing with an adult. He was very mannerable and respectful towards his grandfather; but he also made sure he got his point across. At that point, I realized that Chris really is an individual, and not just a child who needs to be governed. When we become a certain age, we don’t want our parents trying to control us anymore. We all want freedom to believe and think what we want. So why do we try to make our children, believe what we believe? I understand that as a parent, we will always want what’s best for our children, but at what cost? Is telling our children, that there’s a man in the sky, who can see everything that you do; knows all that you do; will punish you for being human, the right thing to do, or is it a scare tactic to make our children behave. For the majority of Chris’ life, I did not go near a church; up until that one time, I never had to threaten Chris to be a good boy; he just was. So a few weeks ago when he told me, he does not believe in God, what could I say? People are allowed to believe what they want to believe; this does not exclude children. So the next time your child tries to share something with you, please don’t force your opinions, ideologies and beliefs down their throats; you just may be pushing them away!

Sincerely, Black people

I will never understand why speaking about race, makes white people so uncomfortable?! Is it because that many, not all, don’t want to take
their blinders off, and acknowledge that race and oppression still exist in this country of theirs? Is it because they don’t want things to change? Or is because they think if  they don’t speak about it, it will just go away? Whatever you choose to believe, nothing will ever change until there is open dialogues spoken about race. If not, there will be a race war, right here on Amerikkkan soil.

Blacks, and other races (including whites) sympathetic to the Black cause, are getting real tired of being mistreated, simply because of our race. Our children made to go to horrible schools, just because we can’t afford to move out of the ghetto. I have an MBA, and still can’t afford to leave the hood. I have more of a chance of getting a “good” job with my MBA, than a white woman who only has a diploma. (Do your research). Affirmative action only helps the token Blacks, that choose to fit in. I don’t wear weave or wigs, and choose to wear my nappy hair instead; so I guess I’m not willing to conform to european standards of beauty. I’m not willing to shuck and jive; kiss ass just to get or keep a job. I’m not materialistic, and material things don’t drive me, so I guess I’m not a real Amerikkkan. I choose to be myself; an individual who has always moved to the beat of her own drum, regardless of how/what most people thought of me. I can’t spiritually afford, to conform and be like everyone else; it could never sit well with me. I can’t do drugs, drink and smoke cigs, just to be like anyone else. So conforming to acting “white,” in order to make money is something I could never do. I’m an educated woman, who likes to curse! I like saying fuck, and shit; it emphasizes my point!

My advice to white people, is to stop being so angry when Blacks constantly bring up race; apparently we are bringing it up because it is still an issue. Just because you choose to not acknowledge it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. We know that not all white people are bad or racist; but we also know that your white privilege can change the world. If you’re not a racist, take a stand against another white person, you see mistreating or taking advantage of a person of color. Advocate for Blacks; control your anger, and listen to that Black person who is constantly speaking about race. You may actually learn something, when your ears are open, and your mouths are closed. Keep in mind that the KKK was born out of hate for Blacks and other “undesirables.” The Black Panther Party, and other Black liberation groups, were born out of the need to defend our blackness. Those organizations had white members, who sympathized with the cause, and acknowledged that  Blacks were deeply oppressed by whites. Have you ever heard of the Weatherman? They were a group of very privileged, young white men and women, who assisted Black liberation organizations. Now they didn’t go about it in the best way, but their point was always made. Research Marilyn Buck, and the Black Liberation Army; she, Mutulu Shakur and a few others assisted in the escape of Assata Shakur. Now whether you choose to believe that she had a hand in killing those state troopers, or not is irrelevant; especially when you think of the fact, that she would not have gotten a fair trial in NY or NJ. My point is, there was once a time when many white people chose not to wear blinders, and see the problems for what they really were. Last thing; if you are not part of the solution, you are definitely part of the problem.

What Does it Mean to be Black in America?

Being Black in America, means that you are not free to celebrate your culture; for when you do, you are labeled a racist.

Being Black in America, means that you are oppressed, simply because you were not born white.

Being Black in America, means that you are not allowed to speak on issues that impact your race.

Being Black in America, means that our men, women and even children are not off limits to police brutality.

Being Black in America, means that police officers are always “justified” in killing our people.

Being Black in America means that we are always subject to racial profiling.

Being Black in America, means that we are our children will always be at a disadvantage, because of the sub-par education offered to them.

Being Black in America, means that you are always in a constant rage about the unfair treatment we are still subjected to.

Since the inception of this country, Blacks have been disparaged. We have been raped, beat, chained, whipped, tortured, impregnated, sold, auctioned, separated from our children. We have been subjected to the kind of cruelty, no hueman should ever be subjected to. We have been sprayed with water houses, beaten with clubs, attacked by dogs, shot, shot at, had plungers stuck inside of us, lynched, murdered, killed, chocked. We live in a country where white child molesters are pardoned, but Black dog fighters are forever crucified. We live in a country, where animals have more rights, than Black citizens. We live in a country where white and Black men could commit the same crime, and Black men will get the harsher punishment. We live in a country where we are automatically guilty, lazy, goalless, criminals, hoes, baby mamas, baby daddies, high school dropouts, nappy headed, big dick, sexualized, big nosed, uneducated; just because of the color of our skin. Why do white people continually go out of their way, to disparage us. If it’s a game that we are playing, you won a long time ago! White Americans have the upper hand, and still profit off of slavery in 2016. You cannot honestly say that this country would be the way it is today, had it not been for the blood, sweat and tears of our Ancestors. The sad part is, that there are many white people out there who aren’t racist; who believe that Blacks are mistreated in this country. Although there are many whites who have fought for the basic hueman rights of Blacks, sadly there are many more that don’t. The ones that don’t, indirectly perpetuate racism. When you have that racist uncle that’s always “nigger this and nigger that,” and you give that uncomfortable laugh or giggle; you are enabling them. When you have that one friend that doesn’t consider him or herself a racist, but don’s blackface; you go out in public with them, that perpetuates racism. If white people really wanted to end racism, it would have ended decades ago.

FACTS

  1. If you are not against racism, you are for it. You cannot ride the fence.
  2. Although many Blacks still use the word “nigger,” it is still offensive to many, and we do not ALL identify with that moniker.
  3. Every Black person is not the same. We are not all cut from the same cookie cutter mold. We are all individuals, whom make different choices; like any other race.
  4. White privilege is a real thing. If you use your white privilege to combat racism, kudos to you. If you choose to keep the blinders on, and not acknowledge it; whether you are a racist or not, you are still perpetuating racism.
  5. The oppression that our ancestors faced; that we still face today, is not something we can just “get over!” I have never heard someone tell the Jewish, to just “get over” the Holocaust. 6 million people died in the holocaust; 10’s of millions died during and after slavery.
  6. Being pro-Black, does not always mean anti-white. The Black agenda is not to “take over America,” it is to have a truly equal footing in it.

Being a Black “American” in 2016, shouldn’t mean being Black; it should mean to be a hueman being.

 

Ode to Chris

He’s the only person in the world who’ love I never have to question, because it’s unconditional! My love, my heart, my reason for living, for staying strong, and keep going! What life was before him, I can’t even remember! No one on Earth could ever take the place of him! He’s my pride; my joy; my everything!! He was truly sent from Heaven to make me a better person! And although I am a constant work in progress, my baby boy continues to love, and give love unconditionally! I love you always and forever Chris!!

I was not financially or emotionally ready to have Chris at 22, but I made the best of my experience. 11 years later, I cannot imagine life without him. Although I always envisioned being married before having children, it was not what happened. I have been through so much with my son, and through all the trials and tribulations, I do not know where I would be without him. He is the driving force for many of my decisions; some bad, some good, but always with good intentions. Being a mommy is a badge of honor, that I proudly sport; it is a privilege to be Chris’ mom!

Chris, at age 11, is wise beyond his years. With much of the intelligence that millennials seem to possess. I always joke that Chris was half as smart as me at birth; by the time he was 5, he had already surpassed my intelligence. I started Chris off early; reading while pregnant; reading at birth. When he was 4 months, I used to give him “tummy time.” Although by 1 ½ months, he was already holding up his own neck. Between 3-4 months, I started training him to hold a sippy cup. I would fill the sippy cup with water, or diluted apple juice; sometimes formula. He would eat his Gerber Apple Puffs, or gnaw on Cheerios (at 4 months, he already had teeth). At around 6 months, I started using flash cards, although I wasn’t consistent with them until around a year. Fast forward to 3, I began grooming Chris to write, and he caught on quickly. By 4, he was able to read Level 1 books, that contained the sight words form the flash cards. By the time Chris went to kindergarten, he knew how to read, write, add and subtract. My purpose was to instill a level of educational- mindedness into him; something that was never instilled into me growing up. I always knew when I had a child, I would treat him, the opposite way I felt growing up. No spankings, no yelling; giving attention and affection; enhancing the importance of an education; always advocating for an education.

Chris at 11, has surpassed anything that I could have ever imagined. He is currently in the 6th grade, but reads and comprehends at a 9th grade level. Between 3rd-5th grades, he has received the highest level (5) on all statewide exams (barring the 4 he received on the ELA in 5th grade). He answers Jeopardy questions, especially science categories. Science is his favorite subject, as well as math. He is easily on the STEM track, and his goal is to become a Design Engineer. He would like to create games for Nintendo, in Japan. Although I wish he wanted to be a Doctor or Scientist; something that would be more productive in society, I would never take away his dream; only support it. I once had dreams and goals, that were not supported, and I would never want that for my child. My most important goal in life, is to see Chris flourish in life; the way at 34, I still haven’t been able to do.

This is my ‘Ode to Chris!’ I will always support your decisions, regarding your own life. I will offer advice, only when solicited. I will not meddle in your adult affairs, only give you the option to share my own experiences. I loved you then. I love you now. I will always and forever love you!

Love,

Mom

Selfish

Selfish is defined as a person being devoted and caring only for self. Concerned only for their own interests, benefits and welfare, regardless of others.

Why are people so selfish? Is selfishness learned behavior; are certain people born this way? How can someone you used to be so close to, turn out to be a selfish stranger? I don’t recognize this person. How can this person turn out to be, a person that inconveniences you, just because they can? Some who can inconvenience you, for their own selfish needs. Someone who cares for self, with little disregard for anyone else. Someone who does mean and spiteful things, just because they feel like it. A person you were once so close to, but is now a complete stranger. Regardless of the outcome of past relationships, I could never do things just to be spiteful to others. Once I have love for someone, that love will always remain. I don’t speak ill of them, nor do I wish any ill on them. I could never be spiteful, even if I have the “upper hand.”

Petty, vindictive, and just plain selfish are the adjectives I use to describe this person. I have made a point to not hold grudges against people, but I will not speak to this person until they decide to grow up. This person needs to do some serious soul searching. Soul searching to realize, that you don’t treat people badly, because you are in a bad mood; because the wind blows. You see someone at 60%, so you beat them down to 35%; just because you can. How do you treat someone badly, not apologize and then fix your face to ask me for something? Some people in life will only learn through tough love; through life experience. It’s unfortunate when a good relationship turns bad, but even worse when that relationships goes sour. In life, you live and you learn, and I have learned to pick my battles and keep my distance form toxic people. You cannot please everyone, and I refuse to try to. I love you, and I always will but our relationship will never be the same! The damage is done, and only time, healing growth can fix it.