Frustrated

I am frustrated, beyond belief! Every time I think I am taking the right step forward, I am pulled back 5 steps. Why is this? I mean, I honestly just do not understand?! I feel like, I have a good heart; I do for people, way more than people do for me (in 98% of the cases). I took the pepper steps; I am educated, and have experience within my field. Yet, I am not able to find a suitable job. Am I destined to work at Starbucks, for the rest of my life? I have an MBA, and I am a Barista at Starbucks, because I can’t find a job. I am also limited by the fact, I live in North Carolina, and do not own a car. The biggest irony is, I will never be able to afford a car, because I work at Starbucks. It is said to say, that a company that makes as much money as Starbucks, they do not pay their employees liveable wages. I am no snob; I do not expect to get paid the same amount as my “real” job, but what I get paid, is barely enough to pay my rent.

The past few years, I have been so frustrated, within my chosen field. I tell myself, “this is only temporary;” but when does temporary end? I have been in this “temporary” position forever. I am so tired of struggling!!! When will the damn struggle be over??? As I sit here and type this, I am fighting back tears. Why is life so hard for me? I know people who only have high school diplomas, that are successful in their careers; why am I sitting here crying, because I can’t find a job? Why am I not able to find a job? The sadest part is, I moved to NC, because the cost of living was low, and I wanted to work less, and write more. Being that I cannot find a job in my field, I have to work more and harder, just to survive; I do not write as frequently, as I hoped. I have been down here for almost three months, without any real progress. When will I progress in life?? I try to remain positive, and think positive thoughts, but it’s hard when nothing you do seems to pay off. When will my time come?

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Sleep Deprivation

Why is that when I have to get up early, I always sleep the worse? Any other time, I have no problem with sleeping. I slept horribly the night before, and I slept horribly last night/this morning;  hence me being awake at 4:57 AM, typing out this post. For the past 20 minutes, I have been “trying” to do yoga,to no avail. Be cause I am sleep deprived, I am having a hard time focusing. I have to be at work by 7; a phone interview at 2:30, and an in person interview at 4; FML!! Hopefully once I get some java in me, I will be able to perform normally.

I have been reading up on meditation for months now, but finally decided to “try” it out last night. While meditating, I found it to be very calming and relaxing. As I sat there for a couple of minutes, I found that I was actually able to clear my wondering mind. I felt a heavy sleepiness was over me, and I thought I was going to have the best sleep of my life. As soon as my face hit the pillow, my mind started racing again. I pretty much think about the same things; my son, my future writing career, jobs, money, etc. So I could not fall asleep, so I did the worst thing imaginable; went on social media!!! I know, I know; social media is a crazy distraction! While on Instagram, I saw one picture, after another that I liked. I laughed, I cried, I “awwww’d;” the usual. Lol. I got in the bed 5 minutes to 11, and the next time I looked at my phone, it was 11:36. UGH! How am I going to function? I have never been one of those people, that could function without at least 6.5 hours of sleep. My whole mood changes; usually I am very bubbly and upbeat, but on less than 6.5 hours of sleep, I am cranky and borderline rude. Being that my job is based heavily on excellent customer service, I would say this demeanor is not conducive to productivity at work.

Hopefully you guys slept waaaaaay better than me, and are able to function. Please pray for me…

Karma is a Psycho B*tch

Is having standards, and setting boundaries off putting to men? In the past few years, I have become the person, I am to be for the rest of my life. I feel my past has pretty much shaped me, into the person I am happy with. That being said, I seem to come off as rude or too blunt, for most people. I honestly feel as though, I should not have to sugar coat anything for a grown-ass adult. I am very open, and honest when speaking to my 12 year old son as well. People who try to spare their children from hurt, I feel, are setting them up for failure. I digress; when I meet someone, whether in-person or online, I pretty much display my personality from the beginning. I do not believe in putting up pretenses, just to go on a date with someone. If that relationship works out, you will have to keep those pretenses up until you divorce, or one of you dies; I just do not have that kind of time or energy. I have to let people know, even in friendships, how I am. Most people cannot handle me, in a relationship or a friendship. I say what I want; never meaning to be mean or insulting, but if I did not care, I would just be quiet.

A little about myself; I am very stubborn and proud, but know how to graciously humble myself. I am that one friend, that will say meet me at 1:00 PM, and be there by 12:30. I am a stickler for time; call me a time-nazi. I do not like wasting people’s time, and I do not want my time wasted. So I cyber met this guy, and we seemed to mesh well. We planned a date for Saturday, the Friday before. I told him I get off at 1; he told me he would get off by 4:30. Saturday rolls around, and I ask him around what time we were going to  meet up; “I am not sure.” Huh?? We are supposed to go out, but you don’t even have a ballpark time? Weird. I try not to make the most out of it, but I am screaming inside. Lol #timenazi. So we text each other throughout the day, and a few hours later, I asked him for a ballpark time. He calls me, and tells me he has to make a pitstop around 6:30, but would call me when he got to his destination. Okay, I can live with that; sort of. So, I hop in the shower, put on my makeup, style my hair, spend I don’t know how long searching for an outfit. I look at the time, and it is almost 8; I text him, “are we still hanging out?” He called me, and told me he had to go back to his job, but we could still hang out, or wait until tomorrow. I am in Durham, NC; everything shuts down early; there is nothing to do. He told me I sounded upset, and that he did not want me to be upset with him. I explained to him, how I felt about time, and the lack of consideration on the part of people who keep me waiting. He seemed to understand, and admitted that he was really bad with time. We spoke for a few more minutes, and he told me he would call me back in 20. 20 minutes comes and goes, and he never called back. I text him about 3 hours later, and sarcastically told him to “have a great evening!” Sunday comes in, and he doesn’t call or text either. So my question is, is setting boundaries/standards in the beginning a no-no to dating? It seems like it is. Personally, I do not feel like asking someone to be considerate of my time, should be a deal breaker. Personally, I feel that, that is something that should naturally come, when you are dealing with another human. Apparently I am abnormal for wanting people, to not have me waiting around for them. Apparently I am abnormal, because I believe in treating others as they treat me. Apparently I am abnormal, because I choose to speak on what is bothering me. I think many of these men have been disillusioned into thinking, that women are supposed to be calm and demure, with absolutely no issues; we are supposed to be without boundaries or standards, and just straight up desperate to have a man, any man. Where did this way of thinking come from? Men are really set to lose out on a good woman, because they are stuck in their own way. I can be flexible and compromising, but you have to be willing to do the same. Everything cannot be one-sided; where the women is flexible, and the man does not budge. If love is what you are truly looking for, you will not find it with that type of attitude.

I would never consider myself to be bitter, or man-hating; however, I speak in terms of MY reality. I have come across some really great men in my life, whom I have messed over. This was simply bad timing; I was not, and still really not ready for anything too serious. As I said, I have met some really great guys, but the past few years, I have met crazy after crazy. I have been told/read many times, that you attract what it is already in you; I do not believe this! I do not believe this, because when I was horrible person, and said/did mean and nasty things to people, I attracted the best men. Now that I am more in tune with myself; more positive person, I attract the worst type of men. The only thing I can think of, is karma. Karma coming back to bite me in my ass. But why karma? Why should my 34 year old self, pay for something my 26 year old self did? Why should I pay for hurting people, several years ago, right now in this moment? I do not feel as though I should suffer, for what past Akua/Courtney did. As I have wrote in my blog posts before, I do not feel the need to date in search for love; I am looking more for male companionship. However, the companionship that I seek, will not be a jerk towards me. Our energies, frequencies and souls will meet, and we will just bounce positive energy off of each other…

CARPE DIEM

*** I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, and forgot to publish. In actuality it is 5:12 AM, and I am in bed writing. Lol ***

Sitting here in Starbucks, writing…patiently waiting for the day when I will get paid to write professionally. I will think about my beginning, and humbly smile. When I am doing book tours, and signing autographs, I will look back and say; “it all started with a tablet and a dream!” When asked what my motivation was, I will say; “the dream was always there, just lying dormant underneath life. My greatest motivator was my passion to step outside the office, and behind a computer, and truly focus on what I love!” They will ask, “were you not afraid to take a leap? Were you not concerned with making money?” I will confidently answer; “I had faith in myself, and confidence that the universe would provide; it always does! The universe takes care of those, who take care of themselves! The universe provides, as long as you treat huemanity with love and respect!” They will look at me like I am crazy, and I will smile at them.

My only focus at this point is to pay bills, write and continue to pursue my dreams. I am not that young, but at 34, I am not old either. If 20 years pass by, and I am still not published; I will always be happy in the fact that I chose to continue, instead of giving up. I pursued my dream, and never gave up on myself. So many people are unhappy, because they gave up on their dreams. They reach a certain age, and realized their whole life has passed by; feel they are too old to old to pursue their dreams. I feel, as long as your heart is still pumping; there is blood in your veins, you are never too old to do what you love to do. If you are 60, and always wanted to go to college, go! If you have two children, and raising them alone, if you are really serious about pursuing your goals, you will find someone to watch them.There is aways someone in your corner, routing for you. Never give up on your dreams; giving up on your dreams, is giving up on yourself. Why go through life with shoulda, coulda and wouldas? Carpe diem; seize the day! GO OUT AND GET WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS!! DREAMS ARE MEANT TO BE PURSUED, YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! There will aways be someone that thinks you are crazy; “you have bills! How will your bills get paid? You are crazy for quitting your job? You need to be smacked with a dose of reality.” They all have a point, but trust me, those people are unhappy and probably gave up on their dreams a long time ago. I would never take advice from someone, who gave up on their dreams; themselves. If people are always complaining about their jobs, they are not doing what they were intended to do. People have lived their entire lives, and still have not realized their purpose in life. Everyone has a purpose, you just have to have the guts, the gumption, the balls to seek it out, and pursue it! Never let anyone tell you, you cannot o something. If you believe you can, you will! It is not about what others think or feel, but what you think or feel. At the end of the day, that person doubting you, will not/cannot possibly live your life for you; so why listen to them? Why participate in self-doubt; self-pity; poor self-image of yourself. Go out, and pursue your dreams. Life is about happiness; doing what makes you happy. People love to say, “you only live once;” this is false! In actuality, you live everyday, and die once. People also love to say, “Life is short;” wrong again. Life for most people, is very long; why spend your long life miserable and unhappy? Go for what you feel is rightfully yours; I know I am!

Dating is a Sport

Dating in 2016 is the most exhaustive sport, I have ever played. If I did not already have a child, I would be doomed! If I wanted more children, I would be doomed. It does not really seem to matter the age of the guy, they all seem to be ineligible. It may be my commitment issues, seeing the slightest flaw, and running away; but I do not think so. I truly believe, the men that gravitate towards me, see something in me, that I do not see; something that leads them to believe/think there is a mutual sexual attraction between us. I do not dress provocatively, or carry myself in a slutty manner; yet these men seem to be all about sex. I wonder if it is some kind of sexual aura, that I am giving off subconsciously?! Could I be putting sex in the air, without knowing that is what I am doing? Or is it that men nowadays want to skip dating, and just hop right into bed? I just refuse to believe, that all men just want sex and that is it. Or maybe I am just being naive.

If I choose to believe, that all men are sex-crazed, vagina sniffing dogs, then I will become the type of women all men hate; you know the cynical, man-hating type, that characterizes/generalizes all men as “dogs.” I just cannot be that person! I know that there are some really good men out there; I have dated quite a few. However for the past few years, I have met so many duds. At 34, I am not interested in sex-only relationships; however, I am not interested in marriage, or even a long-term relationship either. I THINK what I really want is companionship. I love male companionship; I love the idea of a boyfriend/relationship, just not all of the work, headaches and aggravation. Also, I have had enough sex to last a lifetime, so I am not really into that either. I just want a guy, to go to the occasional movie with, or out to eat; bowling, skeeball, etc. Why is that so much to ask for? Why can’t men and women be friends, without sex and relationships complicating things? Why can’t (some) men and women just look at each other, have things in common, and just enjoy each others company. I have been friends with males before, but they were all guys I dated in the past. I have never met someone, had something in common with them, and just remained friends. It seems the prerequisite for me to have a male friend, is to date them first; but the way my mental psyche is set up, a relationship will only oppress what I have already mentally set-up for myself. I know my male friend soulmate is out there, I just do not know where to look?!

Infidelity: Part Two

The possibility of this being Colin’s child, was almost certain. Kadijah’s mind was racing; she couldn’t believe she put herself in this predicament. What would she do? She couldn’t possibly get an abortion; how could she hide that from Kwame? She knew, from a friend’s experience, that she would be out of commission for at least two weeks. Kwame would get suspicious, if they did not make love for two weeks. She could usually go a few days, but that’s the max. But how could she entertain having this love child? “The features of Kwame and Colin aren’t too far off. They both have the same complexion; shape of head. Is it weird that I had an affair, with a man who could be the brother of my husband?” she thought. Kadijah was bursting, but who could she tell. Her best friend, was also the sister of Kwame. How could she indulge, knowing her loyalty will always be with her brother? She would be forced into a bigger situation, with a lot of fall outs.

A few days later, she and her husband where at Kwame’s company’s, annual black tie event. Kadijah loved these functions, because she was able to socialize with many celebrities, dignitaries and high ranking members of the Kwame’s company. They loved speaking with her; she had that natural gift of gab, that has gotten Kwame promotions before. The husbands all loved Kadijah; the wives side eyed her. The couple was always invited to functions, and Kadijah would always force Kwame to go to 87% of them. She felt it was a good way to network, and socialize with people, he wouldn’t otherwise have the chance to. Kwame was a very likeable person, so it was easy for him to move up the ladder on his own; but Kadijah was that perfect eye candy. While making the rounds,  hand in hand, they ran into Kadijah’s doctor, and her husband. Kadijah’s heart started pounding; she hoped the doctor would not blurt out the news; would not say a simple “congratulations.” They spoke for a few minutes; “so far so good,” she thought. She took Kwame’s hand, and kissed the doctor and husband on the cheek, to say goodbye. Just as they were walking away, the doctor’s husband said; “Kwame, Barb told me the good news…” Kwame looked puzzled; “what good news?” “You are going to be a father!” The doctor’s husband dug into his inside pocket, pulled out a cigar, and hugged Kwame. Kwame looked at the doctor, then looked at Kadijah. His face had a frown; the frown quickly turned to a smile as he shouted, “I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!!” He picked up Kadijah, and spun around in excitement. Kadijah was mortified, but had to pretend to be excited. When Kwame put her down, she said; “I was waiting for the right time to tell you.” He didn’t seem to care, he was just over thrilled. Everyone came over to pat Kwame on the back, and kiss Kadijah on the cheek. “I like attention, but not this damn much,” she thought. On the drive home, Kwame could not contain his excitement. He was so thrilled, he stopped at a smoke shop and bought cigars to hand out at work. Kadijah just sat there, with the weirdest smile; an uncomfortable smile; a smile that could win an Oscar.

“How long have you kept this precious secret from me? I mean how many days?” “I found out four days ago. I was going to surprise you with a special dinner tomorrow, but Bradford ruined the surprised.” “Well you could still make the special dinner. It’s not too often, I get a home cooked meal,” he said while cracking up. “Ha ha ha!” she said sarcastically. They got in the bed, and made passionate love. Afterwards, Kwame fell right asleep, but Kadijah laid there restless. She wrestled with her thoughts; “I didn’t even have a chance to make a decision; now the decision has been made. Now to see if I can pull this off…”

Infidelity: Part One

We met at work; started out harmlessly enough as friendly coworkers. He would pass me, our eyes would meet; we’d speak “hello” to one another. We would harmlessly flirt with each other; nothing more than playful banter back and forth. But at the holiday party, a line was crossed. Our flirtation pushed pass the line, and overstepped the boundary; the boundary of cheating. We both had spouses; seemingly healthy marriages. He had been with his wife for fifteen years; I with my husband for seven. Before now, cheating would never had crossed either of our minds. But now we stand here, in the unisex bathroom, passionately kissing each other; trying to figure out how to leave the party, without being seen/missed; trying to figure out the closest hotel. We finally make it out of the party unseen, and find a hotel about five blocks away. It is secluded, and is not near any bus or train stations. We enter the room, and immediately start tearing each others clothes off. By the time we make it to the bed, we are both naked and ready. He laid me down, kissed my neck and then my lips. We made love, slowly; sensuously; passionately for hours. We kissed like we were in love; like we were soulmates. When we realized the time, we rushed to get dressed, headed down stairs and took separate cabs home. Both thinking about their evening of lovemaking.

Kadijah
Kadijah married her college sweetheart, Kwame right after graduation. They both grew up in the Bronx, down the block from each other. They knew of each other, but hung around different crowds. They didn’t start hanging out, until each others best friend started dating, their senior year. They started talking, and realized they had a lot in common. They became good friends, and remained that way throughout their senior year. They were accepted into the same college, but still remained friends until the spring semester of their sophomore year. There had always been an attraction, but they were never single at the same time. Kwame gave Kadijah a rose for “Black Love Day,” and they decided to go on a date; they have been a couple ever since. They became engaged their senior year, and married three months after graduation. They both had high paying jobs; Kwame was a Senior Investment Operations Analyst; Kadijah was a Human Resource Director for a ‘Forbes Top 100′ company. She had just been promoted to Director; making her the youngest, and first Black HR Director in the company; two accolades she was very proud of. The couple had tried for many years to conceive, but had much trouble. After both were tested, their doctor told them, Kwame had a low sperm count; conceiving a child would not be impossible, but would take “perseverance.” Devastated  by the news, the couple decided that if a child was for them, he or she would come in due time. So they lived their lives; traveled all seven continents; traveled to twenty African countries, Nigeria and Ghana being their favorite. They visited Paris, Rome, Puerto Rico, the Bahamas, etc. They decided not to let their circumstance, get the better of them.

Kwame was totally dedicated to his loving wife. He would do anything to make her happy; however, he often wondered if he was man enough for her. Not being able to have children because of him, he wondered if he was holding her back. He wondered if she would eventually leave him, when her desire to have children outweighed her love for him. He felt that if he kept her happy, she would never leave him. He could never imagine his life without Kadijah. She was his everything.

Kadijah knew that her husband felt bad, but never held it against it. She felt that if having children was in the universe’ plan, they would have been able to conceive. She tried to assure him, she would never leave him for this reason or any other. She knew that he overcompensated, and would often ask him to stop. But she also knew he wanted to do these things, so she would just let him. They had a great sex life; very loving towards each other; never felt a void between them. They rarely ever argued, and when they did, they often made up quickly. They were simply in love with each other.

Colin

Colin and his wife, Cora had been married for fifteen years. They had three children, and lived in Connecticut. Both Colin and Cora, grew up in New  Jersey; both came from two different backgrounds. Colin was from an urban area, and grew up in the projects; whilst Cora was raised in the suburbs. They met when Colin was a senior at Princeton University, and Cora was a freshman. By the end of her freshman year, Cora was 5 months pregnant with their first child. Her parents were very disappointed, but supportive. Colin’s family on the other hand, did not want anything to with the child. They were not very supportive of the baby, and told Colin not to marry Cora under any circumstance. They felt they were both too young, to be tied down with children.  After graduating, Colin got a really great job as a Marketing Assistant, and financially supported Cora and the baby. As he began to mature, he started spending more time around their son, and Cora. They eventually started dating again, and fell in love. They were married, while Cora carried their second child, and their first child was four. Their third child was born two years later. Cora was a stay at home mom, who homeschooled their children.

Cora was very much in love Colin; she pleased him in every way possible, and was a very submissive wife. She took care of the home, the kids; aways made sure dinner was at the table when he came home. She was a very doting, but stern mother. She was very happy in her role, but always had a sense of insecurity. She always felt as though Colin was too good for her; he was aways smarter; got better grades; very handsome. She was not very attractive, and sometimes wondered why he gave her a chance in the first place. She never shared her insecurities with him; she was just happy he chose her to marry. Even when she was pregnant with their first born, she never brought up the “m” word, for fear he might get scared away. She just always hoped, he would do the right thing and he eventually did.

Colin always had an inkling, that Cora had insecurities about herself. He could tell by the amount of makeup she wore; the way she dressed and carried herself; some of the things she would say. He tried his hardest to let her know, that she was beautiful in his eyes. He always held her hand, and kissed her while they were out. He always wore his wedding ring proud, and bragged about how good of a wife and mother she was. He aways wanted to let her know, she was number one in his life.

After the Hotel

Kadijah

Kadijah felt such a rush…a rush she had not felt in a long time. She felt goosebumps all over her body, every time she thought about Colin’s kisses. In the cab ride home, she text Colin how she couldn’t wait for their next session. She could not believe that she was craving a man, other than her husband. Cheating on Kwame had never been a thought; she was so satisfied, she thought…

Colin

Colin was about thirteen years oder than Kadijah, and was shocked that someone so much younger, would find him attractive. He had aways been an attractive man, but was still surprised. He text her back, smiling with every word typed. He told her, they should get together every Wednesday after work. The HR/Marketing teams have a standing Wednesday afternoon meeting, which usually ends by 4:00. They could sneak off to a hotel for an hour, and be on their way homes by 5:30. Kadijah agreed.

The Continuation

Every Wednesday, Kadijah and Colin would sneak off to a hotel, a few blocks away from the job. If they felt they could not make it in between Wednesday sessions, they would have mini sessions in either of their offices. Not too often, because they did not want anyone to get suspicious. By now, their affair had gone on for about four months. Neither of their spouses seemed to be any wiser. They were so bold and daring, that at one family barbeque, they snuck off to have sex in the bathroom; while their spouses were outside talking to each other. They did this twice, during one barbeque alone. They were infatuated with each other’s bodies; they always wanted more. They pretended they had a mandatory weekend retreat, and spent the weekend in the Poconos together, never leaving the room once. They each opened credit cards, neither spouse knew about, just so they could charge their dalliances on them, and not be found out. They figured if they kept things the way they were, they would never be caught.

The sixth month into their affair, Kadijah had her annual checkup. After she was examined, the doctor asked her how she’s been. “Well Doc, I have been extremely tired lately; my breasts are swollen, and I have to pee all of the time. I think I may have a bladder infection?” “When was the last time you got your period?” Kadijah pulled out her phone, and checked her calendar. She did not see an entry for this month, so she checked last month; no entry there either. So she checked the month before, and that was the last entry she made for her period. “I must have forgotten to make an entry last month?” “Kadijah, I have been your doctor for five years, and you have never forgotten an entry.” “I know, but things have been so hectic at work lately.” “You seem to be a little in denial, about what this could possibly mean!” The doctor was right, she was in denial. If she was pregnant, she knew the possibility of it being Kwame’s was extremely slim. She crookedly smiled at the doctor, and said, “okay, let’s do it.” As soon as the test was dipped in Kadijah’s urine, it lit up. She was definitely pregnant. “Congratulations!!! I told you pregnancy wasn’t completely ruled out for you and Kwame…”